Take comfort in knowing that the previous owner of the phone is still alive. Barely. He only managed to escape by utilizing sorcerous diversions.

Do you know how hard it was designing that phone? My mobile communication consists of trained messenger pigeons shot by bow and arrow. I’m banned from Google images for obvious reasons, so I had no reference to work with. So, with great reluctance, I ventured from my lair to go find a smart phone that I could… borrow for… artistic pursuits. Unfortunately, none of the strangers I solicited were very understanding; they were too busy screaming and running. Must be a new exercise craze.

Eventually, I managed to get ahold of several smart phones, albeit many of them still had hands attached to them. Now I’ll probably be using the phones to throw at the rats in my house, but I have no use for all these hands. So if anyone wants one, I’ll be leaving them scattered on my front porch. As long as you can successfully navigate the minefield, you’re welcome to as many hands as your still attached hands can carry.

Hurry though, I think that charity service for the blind will be coming around Wednesday, and will probably grab them. Despite being blind, the workers know exactly where each mine is.