Last week, I said I would see you folks on the Friday of that week, and as I feared, your hopes were lifted up and beyond the stratosphere.

There, your hopes suffocated, froze, and drifted out into space, thawing only in time to realize that they were plunging into the sun. Take comfort that your hopes’ last thoughts were of the star’s awesome beauty.

Now, I know that many of you have always looked up to me as a paragon of truth, justice, and the American way, and I am sorry that I have failed to live up to the posters.

Me. 2032.
I shall explain. Let me turn down the terrible music I’ve been playing for your room on loop for the past 168 hours. I had a comic all set up for Friday. At least, the runes were cast, their translations scribed and ready for a comic. However, it occurred to me that if I were to jump straight into the next piece of the story so haphazardly, dire consequences could ensue. I consulted my local gypsy woman, finding her at the local retirement home. She screamed in what I assumed was an agreement to my concerns. Returning to my lair I knew what had to be done.

The runes were cast over and over, in a seemingly futile effort to find a solution for this predicament of narrative. It was during one of the castings that a rune inadvertently bumped into an Outer God. What it was doing in my parlor I can only hazard to guess, but it was most certainly perturbed by this grave offense. As it thrashed about my sofa, it bumped and damaged the mechanisms which power the infernal machine through which I commune with you. This was hardly ideal.

Many were sacrificed to pacify the outraged Outer God. We apologize to those who lost any loved ones that happened to be lumped into the massive, Katamari-esque ball of bodies that vanished into the void as tribute, but to be fair, were you really USING them? Our team of experts didn’t think so. They were tossed in as well so, we’ve both suffered loss.

Listen! I’ll make it up to you. Not sure how or when, but know that your anguish will not go unanswered! Friday IS a comic! Trust us!

When have I ever lied to you?