Patent lawyers are the worst. Ever try to patent something? It’s a whole process. First you gotta defeat the security guard in the lobby. Then, all the other office workers in the whole building. I mean, you gotta be thorough about these things. Then, the secretary, and they often have a lot of sharp implements at their disposal. Finally, you must throw the lawyer himself out of the window of his tenth story office down to mingle with the pedestrians below. Then, and only then, can you finally borrow his pen, and fill out a patent application.

It’s quite a work out. I recommend it to any inventors looking to burn some calories.

You, for instance, seem to have gotten a bit pudgy since last we spoke. Surely this diet of punctual comics that I’ve been providing has fattened you. Spoiled you. Indeed, it took me whole moments, moments, to recognize you underneath those rolls.

Truly, I fear for the structural integrity of your skeleton. I fear that you won’t even hear your bones snap and shatter beneath the horrible sea of lipids lining your cavities. I fear that at some point, your density will become that of a singularity, and we all are lost in your event horizon.

So by Tuesday I hope you invent something and get it patented, because you could use the exercise.